Shattering A Hammer

A cellphone camera turns on outside of a B&Q hardware store. The front glass doors slide open as whomever is holding the phone walks through the doors and into the front of the large home improvement store.


The view moves to where a row of shopping carts are stored. A hand is seen reaching out to take one of the carts and begins to push it toward the second set of doors that enter into the main part of the store.


Who is this?


As the automatic doors open and the cart is pushed into the store, the in house music must be set to the Retro Station as MC Hammer's 'U Can’t Touch This' is heard playing throughout the store. Whomever is holding the phone is heard humming along.


My, my, my, my
(You can't touch this)
Music hits me so hard
Makes me say "Oh, my Lord
Thank you for blessing me
With a mind to rhyme and two hyped feet"

It feels good when you know you're down
A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known as such
And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch

The cart is pushed past the customer service desk and toward the many aisles of hardware and household items as the song continues to play.


I told you, homeboy


Suddenly the phone is turned around and a face appears on the screen.


Widowmaker:  You can't touch this
Yeah, that's how we livin', and ya know
You can't touch this


Now we know.


The phone is turned back around as the cart continues down the aisles.


Look in my eyes, man
You can't touch this
Yo, let me bust the funky Iyrics
You can't touch this

Fresh new kicks and pants
You got it like that
Now you know you wanna dance
So, move outta your seat
And get a fly girl
And catch this beat
While it's rolling

Hold on
Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's going on
Like that, like that
Cold on a mission, so fall on back
Let 'em know that you're too much
And this is a beat, uh, they can't touch


Widowmaker is heard through the cellphone microphone.


Widowmaker:  Yo, I told you
You can't touch this
Why you standing there, man?
You can't touch this
Yo, sound the bell, school's in, sucker
You can't touch this


Widowmaker reaches the aisle where most of the tools are located. He turns the cart and heads down that aisle as MC continues.


Give me a song or rhythm
Making them sweat, that's what I'm giving them
Now, they know
You talk about the Hammer
When you're talkin 'bout a show
That's hyped and tight
Singers are sweatin'
So pass them a wipe or a tape
To learn
What it's gonna take in the 90's to burn
The chart's legit
Either work hard or you might as well quit

Again Widowmaker's voice is heard.


Widowmaker:  That's word, because, you know
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
Break it down!


The cart quickly stops at the area of the aisle where all of the hammers are located.


Widowmaker:  Stop, Hammer time!


Holding the cellphone in one hand, Widowmaker continues to hum along as he fills the shopping cart full of hammers with the other hand.


"Go with the flow", it is said
If you can't groove to this, then you probably are dead
So, wave your hands in the air
Bust a few moves
Run your fingers through your hair

This is it, for a winner
Dance to this and you're gonna get thinner
Now move, slide your rump
Just for a minute, let's all do the bump
(Bump, bump, bump)


Widowmaker:  Yeah
You can't touch this
Look, man
You can't touch this

You'll probably get hyped, boy, 'cause you know you can't
You can't touch this
Ring the bell, school's back in
Break it down!


Widowmaker holds a hammer up in front of the camera.


Widowmaker:  Stop, Hammer time!


Widowmaker drops the hammer on top of the others and begins to push the full shopping cart toward the checkout area. He continues to hum along to this retro masterpiece.


(Did you just throw up a little in your mouth?)


You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
Break it down!

Stop, Hammer time!

Every time you see me
That Hammer's just so hype
I'm dope on the floor
And I'm magic on the mic

Now, why would I ever
Stop doing this
With others making records
That just don't hit?

I toured around the world
From London to The Bay
It's "Hammer! Go, Hammer! MC Hammer! Yo, Hammer!"
And the rest can go and play
"U Can't Touch This"


The song begins to fade out as Widowmaker reaches the checkout area. An older man waits at the cash register to scan the items in the shopping cart. He sees that it is full of hammers.


Cashier:  Boy, that sure is a lot of hammers ya got there laddie.


Widowmaker:  Christmas presents...I have a lot of friends.


The cashier shrugs his shoulders and begins to scan the hammers. Widowmaker picks up two of the hammers and holds them in front of the old cashier.


Widowmaker:  So tell me something old man... What would happen if I slammed these two hammers together?


The cashier quickly drops the scanner and holds his hands up to stop Widowmaker.


Cashier:  Oh please don't do that, it would be like bullets flying!


Widowmaker:  Oh yea? Why's that?


The old cashier pushes a few buttons on the cash register and points to the screen for Widowmaker to watch.


https://www.youtube.com/shorts/2oIIjXNaSJw


Cashier:  They can fragment and shatter, pieces flying off like bullets. So please do not do that here.


Widowmaker:  So, if I hit one with the other, would you say the one that was hit would stay down for ten seconds?


Cashier:  Excuse me? What does that even mean?


Widowmaker:  Never mind. So the hammer that was hit would be destroyed then, correct?


Cashier:  Both hammers would probably be destroyed. The short answer is yes.


Widowmaker:  Perfect.


Widowmaker turns the cellphone so that it is showing his face. He holds up a hammer as he looks into the camera.


Widowmaker:  One hammer, slammed into the face of another Hammer, equals a shattering experience for you Danny Boy.


And it will be...


Nothing Personal...Just Business


A devious smile appears on Widowmaker's face as he holds the hammer next to it.


Widowmaker:  It's Hammer Time!


The camera is turned off.